dictionary/chronology of jessee family pets

angel (gender unknown) - transparent angel fish. survived life outside the tank for 30 minutes once. died of old age.
bonnie (f) - first family animal in memory. black cat. wife of clyde (see below)
blackie (m) - outdoor cat. neighbor labelled him as the reason for her cat scratch fever.
chip (m) - albino hamster, adopted from classroom in 5th grade, died of cotton overdose
clyde (m) - husband of bonnie. calico.
duncan (m) - italian greyhound. excellent sprinter. sprinted into a cadillac.
edward cullen (m) - hamster that step-brother inherited from guidance counselor. mysteriously disappeared.
fanny (f) - pregnant hamster purchased to replace chip (see above). died during childbirth one day after adoption.
goldie (gender unknown) - goldfish
hawn (gender unknown) - goldfish
hercules (m) - red beta fish, trained to kill with the mighty skills of a samurai warrier
max (m) - neglected golden retriever
mr. tweet (m) - yellow parakeet. died of asphyxiation when brother smuggled him into school in his backpack.
mya (f) - indoor longhair cat. once locked in pantry for 8 hours, ate the cinnamon. died of feline leukemia.
starlight (f) - blue parakeet. died of cat attack (see also: zeus)
sugar (f) - white miniature pomeranian. purchased because she is easier to walk than max.
zeus (m) - white siamese. absolute very best cat ever.

Dictionary of Things that Can Kill You

Aluminum Foil... no wait, Alzheimer's isn't death

Bread with that one stuff in it.

Chinese toys (but only if you lick them)

Computers

Death

Disappearing honey bees

Fluoride toothpaste

The Government

Inescapable Pits (this one is relative to the skills set of the person in the pit)

Isopropyl alcohol

Life (eventual conclusions count)

Meth labs

Microwaves

Modern medicine

Murder (for both parties)

Neal's ideas

Non-paper-filtered coffee: french press, gold filter, etc...

Non-stick pans ... what does that cause? death?

Oil Companies

Oxygen (unless you eat exactly the same amount of 100% dark chocolate as oxygen breathed--I've done the math. Then you'll live forever.. unless something else kills you.. like Death.)

Paper-filtered coffee (probably)

Public gyms --- wait, Mersa isn't death either...

Plastic wrap, plastic Tupperware, plastic disposable anythings

Reading this blog

Refined sugar doused in gasoline...so like, all refined sugar

A sense of euphoria

Sleeping on ledges

Smelling concrete--and liking it.

Smelling gasoline--and liking it.

Ultrasounds (actually.. this should be in the sequel : Dictionary of Things that Can Kill Your Baby)

X-rays (after your 3rd)