dictionary/chronology of jessee family pets

angel (gender unknown) - transparent angel fish. survived life outside the tank for 30 minutes once. died of old age.
bonnie (f) - first family animal in memory. black cat. wife of clyde (see below)
blackie (m) - outdoor cat. neighbor labelled him as the reason for her cat scratch fever.
chip (m) - albino hamster, adopted from classroom in 5th grade, died of cotton overdose
clyde (m) - husband of bonnie. calico.
duncan (m) - italian greyhound. excellent sprinter. sprinted into a cadillac.
edward cullen (m) - hamster that step-brother inherited from guidance counselor. mysteriously disappeared.
fanny (f) - pregnant hamster purchased to replace chip (see above). died during childbirth one day after adoption.
goldie (gender unknown) - goldfish
hawn (gender unknown) - goldfish
hercules (m) - red beta fish, trained to kill with the mighty skills of a samurai warrier
max (m) - neglected golden retriever
mr. tweet (m) - yellow parakeet. died of asphyxiation when brother smuggled him into school in his backpack.
mya (f) - indoor longhair cat. once locked in pantry for 8 hours, ate the cinnamon. died of feline leukemia.
starlight (f) - blue parakeet. died of cat attack (see also: zeus)
sugar (f) - white miniature pomeranian. purchased because she is easier to walk than max.
zeus (m) - white siamese. absolute very best cat ever.

Liver and Ambrosia

Orange pools of liver-flavored grease floated in warm, just-boiled milk among dry cereal Os. Wonderful woman! She worked so hard to satisfy the tastes of her American guest! For breakfast, dry cereal with milk had been the plan. But she had only one pot, and I assume there was some restriction on the quantity of water she and her son could consume because of the presence of the aforementioned floats and that she had used this pot the night before to prepare her special dish: a cringingly delicious and plentiful combination of pig livers and pig-liver gravy. My tears well at the thought! It was so much an honor for me to stay under her roof that she insisted I refrain, during the meal, from drinking anything in her home, until she had retrieved from the piaţa a soda by her own hand. Have I told you how great a beverage a soda can be? A few times in my life I have supped a soda that became on my tongue Ambrosia. I believe the myth — it has prolonged my life. Bread too becomes the Bread of Life when you have it with Romanian liver gravy. After my second-birth by soda, the boy — the only one in the flat who spoke English — hurried me out to the piaţa to see if I could find any food to rival his mother's in flavor. I did not.

I'll forever remember the family that took me in,
Brought me closer to heaven than I've ever been,
Fed me pig livers and warm liver milk,
Made me wait for the soda that swallowed like silk!

Dictionary of Things that Can Kill You

Aluminum Foil... no wait, Alzheimer's isn't death

Bread with that one stuff in it.

Chinese toys (but only if you lick them)

Computers

Death

Disappearing honey bees

Fluoride toothpaste

The Government

Inescapable Pits (this one is relative to the skills set of the person in the pit)

Isopropyl alcohol

Life (eventual conclusions count)

Meth labs

Microwaves

Modern medicine

Murder (for both parties)

Neal's ideas

Non-paper-filtered coffee: french press, gold filter, etc...

Non-stick pans ... what does that cause? death?

Oil Companies

Oxygen (unless you eat exactly the same amount of 100% dark chocolate as oxygen breathed--I've done the math. Then you'll live forever.. unless something else kills you.. like Death.)

Paper-filtered coffee (probably)

Public gyms --- wait, Mersa isn't death either...

Plastic wrap, plastic Tupperware, plastic disposable anythings

Reading this blog

Refined sugar doused in gasoline...so like, all refined sugar

A sense of euphoria

Sleeping on ledges

Smelling concrete--and liking it.

Smelling gasoline--and liking it.

Ultrasounds (actually.. this should be in the sequel : Dictionary of Things that Can Kill Your Baby)

X-rays (after your 3rd)

Sticky Note Soap... in Antarctica

Spring Comes

But spring does not abruptly come.
It waffles with the winter some.
Like an epiphany slow-dawning,
It wakens with a stuttered yawning.
Do not expect a sudden pop
Of color green, or leafy top,
Or meadow bloomed, or forest groomed,
Or winter doomed, or cold entombed,
But gradual return from grey.
So listen closely what I say,
And to my former promise cling:
There will be, oh tree, a spring!

The problem of existing

Just because I have a body,
doesn't mean I'm fat.
Just because my hips exist,
doesn't mean they're fat.
Bumping into that trash can shouldn't elicit
the awareness of cellulite
but rather
the cellular eureka
of existing matter in collision
with every other weight-bearing atom.
My body
gets to take up space.
I have the privilege
of pressing against
bumping into
trampling on
the material world.
I weigh. Therefore I am.
So why would I
ever despise
any inch of my existence!
Unless that is
I had a problem with existing.