tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8004300976222237060.post8775459302810225261..comments2023-06-01T04:32:19.108-05:00Comments on Kaleidoscope: SalisK-renhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08543270815512635873noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8004300976222237060.post-79542921338108326692010-04-30T16:42:12.350-05:002010-04-30T16:42:12.350-05:00A moment ago, I finally got around to posting the ...A moment ago, I finally got around to posting the second chapter of this story on The Good Question. (http://www.thegoodquestion.com/)David Gregghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264103045574437317noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8004300976222237060.post-11054152675769948772010-04-02T09:20:35.130-05:002010-04-02T09:20:35.130-05:00How about that? This sentence was there to keep th...How about that? This sentence was there to keep the whole thing from sounding like "innocence is bad, bad, bad".David Gregghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16128777288926435153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8004300976222237060.post-1603144759511464682010-04-02T08:31:06.338-05:002010-04-02T08:31:06.338-05:00"Courage knows what it faces, fears it, and t..."Courage knows what it faces, fears it, and triumphs over the fear. Innocence stands before certain peril and does not know what it faces, so cannot fear when fear would do it good."<br /><br />Now that I would call spot on! YES! Glad you're not afraid to keep pushing yourself David...seems like you're revision process is a sort of skating around the truth. Keep skating til you get there! <br /><br />"Innocence has its troubles" I would say is an unnecessary addition to this fine paragraph. ;)K-renhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08543270815512635873noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8004300976222237060.post-5411655814646381992010-04-01T22:57:51.405-05:002010-04-01T22:57:51.405-05:00Revised! :DRevised! :DDavid Gregghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16128777288926435153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8004300976222237060.post-5834428783545285822010-04-01T18:22:10.449-05:002010-04-01T18:22:10.449-05:00Hey thanks for the insight! This is helpful! I'...Hey thanks for the insight! This is helpful! I've been questioning that sentence too.David Gregghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16128777288926435153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8004300976222237060.post-84412240717376391282010-04-01T09:44:53.639-05:002010-04-01T09:44:53.639-05:00"To innocence all is novelty, but maturity ha..."To innocence all is novelty, but maturity has the eye to see danger coming." Assertive anthropological/philosophical statements can be real quagmires. I'm sure it's a reduction, and still a legitimate statement. It just doesn't account for the childhood "boogieman" syndrome, and "separation anxiety" and the whole host of fears associated specifically with naivete and ages of innocence. <br /><br />What works really well in this passage, is when you depart from objective assertions, and delve into the specific subject and her reaction: <br />"This fear might have given way to courage, *but as she looked around through ebbing crests of tears, the fear she ought to have felt much longer, and rightly so, unnaturally withdrew and vanished.*"<br /><br />This sentence is both doing the work of asserting your hypothesis, and presenting it in a more tangible prose. <br /><br />Then you fade back into quasi subjective/quasi assertive prose again, that now works much better because of the subjective tone of the preceding sentence: "Whatever chance at courage she might have had receded along with the fear, and she stood in an artificial and ignorant innocence quite below her years, with no care for the future."<br /><br />The trouble with the first sentence of these three is you're setting the reader up to argue against your assertion, and then must fight to prove it. But you don't have to assert, or prove, rather illustrate. <br /><br />David: I think your writing elicits a lot of response, because your writing style is very assertive. It's one of the trappings of assertive writing. The writer then must either be spot on with his assertion, or illustrate, illustrate, and lastly, only, illustrate. Subjective is powerful, and a more palpable field for the reader to navigate and glean from.K-renhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08543270815512635873noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8004300976222237060.post-53622641647669829192010-03-31T20:07:11.832-05:002010-03-31T20:07:11.832-05:00Revised again. I don't mind the way I statemen...Revised again. I don't mind the way <i>I</i> statements - it's a personable method of narration that I've come to enjoy. :)<br /><br />Also, I wrote a second "chapter" for this today.David Gregghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16128777288926435153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8004300976222237060.post-59838879599505572362010-03-27T09:46:12.803-05:002010-03-27T09:46:12.803-05:00neat description, you do a good job of describing ...neat description, you do a good job of describing a pre-teen girl's inner conflict, and yet you were never a pre-teen girl. good job!<br /><br />the only thing i don't like is the 2 sentences that start with "I." they seem less "matter of fact" than the rest of your descriptions/declarations.Crystalhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18394962667536148811noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8004300976222237060.post-14773085271016455542010-03-27T00:55:02.396-05:002010-03-27T00:55:02.396-05:00Revised again.Revised again.David Gregghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16128777288926435153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8004300976222237060.post-89889762738396699162010-03-26T16:02:40.689-05:002010-03-26T16:02:40.689-05:00Revised.Revised.David Gregghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16128777288926435153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8004300976222237060.post-32156638454841484222010-03-26T07:08:45.816-05:002010-03-26T07:08:45.816-05:00Elegant!Elegant!K-renhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08543270815512635873noreply@blogger.com